


A Crushing Weight

by Eilera



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, I Love This Anime, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I spell it Viktor, M/M, Panic Attacks, Viktor is awesome, Yuuri needs a hug okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 07:00:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9536990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eilera/pseuds/Eilera
Summary: Yuuri had hidden this part of himself from Viktor for months. Every time he'd felt it coming, every time the warning signs caused his stomach to churn and his hands to shake, he’d make an excuse to get away. He’d go to the washroom, take Makkachin for a walk, go on an “errand” for his parents, whatever it took to just hide.Most of the time he had enough of a warning to escape notice. He should have known that eventually his luck would run out.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DeathByStorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathByStorm/gifts).



> So this anime hit me hard and I'm not even mad. I haven't been this obsessed with something in awhile! I REGRET NOTHING.
> 
> I really liked the way the anime portrayed Yuuri's anxiety. I myself suffer from panic attacks and anxiety. I don't have it as bad as some people, but I get them enough to be able to accurately describe my experiences with it. Everyone experiences it a bit differently though, so some of the symptoms you will see here may not happen with everyone. I just went based off my own experiences and it was kinda nice to get it all out there. If you suffer with anxiety, you are not alone! 
> 
> I'd like to thank my best friend DeathByStorm for being my beta for this fic. She managed to take out all the cheese I'd crammed in there.

Yuuri and Viktor were taking a walk through the park when it finally happened.

 

Yuuri had hidden this part of himself from Viktor for months. Every time he'd felt it coming, every time the warning signs caused his stomach to churn and his hands to shake, he’d make an excuse to get away. He’d go to the washroom, take Makkachin for a walk, go on an “errand” for his parents, whatever it took to just hide.

 

Most of the time he had enough of a warning to escape notice. He should have known that eventually his luck would run out.

 

“I – I need to stop.”

 

“Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri anxiously glanced around the park, trying to find somewhere, _anywhere_ private enough where no one would see him fall apart. If he was able to convince Viktor to stay behind, maybe he could salvage what remained of his pride. He wanted to protect the illusion of this more confident version of himself that Viktor had helped create. He wanted to hide the fact that he’s shaking uncontrollably and his vision is darkening and he can feel the bile rising from his roiling stomach and oh God, please just-

 

“Yuuri!” Viktor’s voice was alarmed and but strangely distant. He could feel warm hands gently grab his and pull him into the foliage. Yuuri stumbled as his coach pushed him down to sit on a fallen tree, and crouched down so that he could meet Yuuri’s undoubtedly terrified eyes.

“Yuuri, I need you to breathe.”

 

Yuuri desperately wanted to and took gasping breaths as his heart hammered violently in his chest. Tears blurred his vision as he tried to focus on Viktor’s face. But the shaking made it hard to focus and he was sweating now and he must look like an absolute _mess_ and wasn’t that just wonderful? Viktor had already seen him chubby, had seen him fail miserably at the last Grand Prix and now he’d gotten a front row seat to Yuuri shattering to pieces.

 

Viktor was saying something more, rubbing soothing circles into Yuuri’s back as Yuuri shuddered, gasped and cried. The anxiety came in waves that constantly battered what remained of his self control.To his horror, he felt his dinner try to make a comeback. He shoved Viktor aside so he could sink to his knees and vomit on the forest floor. But Viktor moved with him, and murmured soothing words of encouragement – breathe in, breathe out – as he grabbed Yuuri’s hand and placed it on his own chest.

 

“Yuuri, look at me. Breathe with me. In...”

 

Yuuri took a strangled breath as he felt Viktor's chest expand slowly and calmly. Yuuri was shaking to pieces, his heart stuttering violently in his chest and he couldn’t _breathe_ , he couldn’t-

 

“Out.”

 

His breath gusted out shakily, his hand gripping Viktor’s shirt tightly in a sweaty fist.

 

“In.”

 

Another inhale, more controlled this time.

 

“Out.”

 

A slower, softer, only slightly strangled exhale.

 

Yuuri continued to focus on breathing, following the rise and fall of Viktor’s chest. Eventually the other man stopped his commentary but continued to hold Yuuri’s shaking hand to his chest.

 

In time, Yuuri’s heart returned to a more normal beat, the nausea slowly dissipated and the tears subsided to sniffs and hiccoughs. Only the shaking remained as the remnants of his adrenaline took a while to flush out of his system. Yuuri wasn’t certain how long the whole attack had lasted. To his eternal misery, he realized that at some point he had managed to get his knee into his own vomit because _this is his life_.

 

As soon as he felt safe enough to speak without stuttering, Yuuri sniffed and stared gloomily at his vomit-covered knee. “I’m sorry.”

 

Viktor gently grabbed Yuuri’s chin, lifting it until he was forced to look into those blue eyes. “Don’t apologize for something you have no control over.”

 

“You’d think after so many years I would have been able to stop them by now.” Yuuri gave a lopsided grin.

 

Viktor frowned briefly before he pulled Yuuri forward until their foreheads touched. He pinned Yuuri with an intense gaze, in an attempt to convey what he couldn’t quite get into words. Yuuri’s smile turned wobbly and his eyes burned with tears. Viktor pulled him into a tight hug, ignoring the smell of vomit and sweat as Yuuri clutched him close.

 

“Yuuri, these are panic attacks, you can’t control them any more than you can a sneeze. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I love _you._ Every part of you.”

 

Yuuri inhaled shakily. He couldn’t necessarily say he agreed with Viktor. The shame of losing control of his own body would likely never go away. But Viktor made it a little easier to accept and a little easier to deal with. He had no idea how he’d managed to get this man to love _him_ but he would fight the entire universe to keep him by his side.

 

Yuuri pulled back and put a hand on Viktor’s cheek, and gave a half-hearted smile when the other man cradled it. “I would kiss you but I just vomited on the ground,” he mumbled.

 

Viktor huffed out a laugh and stood up, pulling the younger man with him. “Then let’s go home. You can get cleaned up and we can make some katsudon.”

 

Yuuri’s smile widened.

 

His heart felt strangely light.


End file.
